Need a Laugh?

DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

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CHURCH FOR THIS DRUNK

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all a long, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

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WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

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A VERY FAITHFUL WOMAN

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbour jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

-Credits to those who created these humour. :)

The Doorknob

Talk about being scared of something really funny. Redness.

Once upon a time, there was a door. This door was a wooden one, and had a hole in the place of the doorknob, supposingly. The eye played tricks and I saw no hole - but a great nice unique, out of the world kind of doorknob. Interesting! It looked something like this.

Nothing suspicious, as it was dark at night. Hence my hand swung pass it.. and it breathed into my hands! For the worse nightmare, I screamed la!

And my friend jumped out of his skin.

It was actually a Golden Retriever, or something like that. The big dog species. Only after I screamed did it bark and showed its teeth.

My heart died pumping oxygen to my brain. Thank God for handrails, else I would have dived into the longkang immediately. And thank God my friend did not pass out else I couldn't get home that night. Thank God nothing happened except for just increased heartbeats.

An unforgettable experience, for my friend yes. For me.. I'll forget about it soon enough. Haha!

So the next time you see a doorknob, look carefully. It might be a snake head instead.

A Barber in NY

There was once a very good barber in New York, who gave FREE haircuts to everybody who came into his shop to have their haircuts.

One day a florist went to him for a haircut. After the cut, he wanted to pay the barber, but the barber replied, 'It's alright, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The florist was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A policeman went for a haircut and he also wanted to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Malaysian software engineer went for a haircut and he also wanted to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The Malaysian software engineer was very happy and left. The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, guess what he found there.............


Can you guess?



Come on, think like a Malaysian....






Have you got the answer ........... ?????





come on .............





guess




guess




guess...................................................









a dozen Malaysians waiting for free haircuts! XP

Venturing Out

Ever felt at times you wish to try something new, something ..out of the ordinary? But contradicting that feeling is the thought of face, or the what would people think about me mindset which usually stops us from going out and trying new things.

Actually... one should just put them all aside for once, and feel the ultimate freedom. :) It's rather nice, once in a while.

Break free.

Today I gave in to curling my hair. *gasps* It sounded so-really-not-me but the fun of running away without the goody-two shoes for once, is unforgettable. *big smile* Despite that, it seems fine now as I type this. My hair's back to normal. :D

So. Your turn. :) Put a foot outside your circle and experience the difference altogether in that short period of time. It might be as simple as curling your straight hair or as complex as making a life decision... :) easy or hard, dare yourself for the challenges that come your way through those steps you take, and embrace the fun time you'll bound to have!

Toothpaste?

Hmm... any knowledge of what this thing is?

Have a few guesses:

1, Toothpaste

2, Shaving cream

3, Mayonnaise

4, Hair cream

5, anything else you can think of?

Linked from here I got this:


Imported from Germany! This popular HOT mustard in a Tube is made from fresh-ground mustard seeds. Delicious when served with any of your favorite German sausages and sandwiches. You may even want to dip your German Bauernbrot in it! No preservatives. Refrigerate after opening. NET WT. 100ml


Oh.... actually it's mustard! Haha.

Funny thing was, my dad used it as toothpaste and he was thinking why his toothbrush turned all yellow and the color didn't wash off, and that it felt like he had just eaten cucumber.

LoL.

So much for brother going to Germany and buying home a toothpaste for good use. Teehee...

A true Bible salesman

Just for laughs. Credit to the writer.


A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the Church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents.

"What is this?"the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," said the minister who didn't want to appear to be agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f -forsh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered..

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-wouldy-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-BibleF-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-youj-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here andr-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"